Here We Go Again

So you decided to keep reading, huh? Wow, honestly, that’s- I mean. I knew you would, obviously. You’re just that addicted to me already. It’s a half-joke, I honestly appreciate you staying. So where were we again?

Oh, right. I was talking about this new pro-dominatrix thrill ride thing that I’ve begun against all better judgement. Well I have ADHD, so we’ll change the channel and get back to that in a bit. Don’t worry your pretty little head.

So I watched this movie with my spouse the other night. Bo Burnham’s “Eighth Grade”. Wow, did that bring back a WHOLE slew of unpleasant memories bubbling to the surface from my middle school experience. (I went to three different middle schools and was always the “new kid”). Part of this movie made me feel shame- I felt myself become Kayla (the main protagonist)- addicted to her phone and her social media accounts to the point where she has difficulty anchoring herself in reality. To the point where she was purposefully drowning out the one kind and supportive figure in her lonely life- her father. There were plenty of scenes where she would literally scroll herself to sleep.

Now, I’ve always done my best to be aware of how quickly I get addicted to my phone, and the slightly scary endorphin rushes I get from notifications on social media. For years, I boycotted owning a smart phone just so that I wouldn’t join the hoards of zombies zoning out at screens all day. I caved back in 2015, and have felt guilt and shame over my smart phone ever since. I delete my social media accounts on and off every few years, especially when I feel that they just feed into my depression or my social anxiety. (I have more than enough of that on my own, thanks!)

Since beginning this domme journey though, I have a minimum of 3-4 different social media accounts that I am checking each time I get a notification, and that dreaded endorphin rush has consistently been right there to meet me every time.

This makes me worry. I feel a little the way a junkie might feel while sneaking hits. I look over at my spouse, who is my best friend and lifelong partner, and then I look over at our tiny baby crotch-fruit, and I worry that I’m not doing enough for them. Being present enough for them. Being emotionally available enough for them. Heck, or just being enough PERIOD for them. I don’t want to become Kayla and base my self worth off the opinion of strangers, and I start to second guess all my reasons for why I want to be a dominatrix again.

Then the second part of the movie took ahold. Kayla was being driven home by a friend of a friend who was a senior in highschool. He was the self-proclaimed “quiet, nice guy” of the group. He kept sending sidelong glances at Kayla in the dark backseat through the review mirror. Then he pulled over the car, parked, and I became instantly furious. He climbed into the backseat with her and said, “I can’t talk to you very well when you’re sitting back here”.

My heart beat against my ribs and I clenched my fists.

He began a game of Truth or Dare and continually berated her to take off her shirt. Kayla finally snapped, “No, I’m not comfortable with that!”, and pushed him away.

I finally breathed again.

The whole way back to her house, she apologized to him quietly while he insulted her and claimed he was just trying to help her and she was stupid for not letting him.

Y’all, I was a bundle of rage. I never wanted to punch a child actor so hard in the mouth.

All of my middle school experiences with boys were so eerily similar. I remember being plead with, being insulted, being mocked and laughed at, being cajoled into situations I was not comfortable with, being told that I owed them, that if I wouldn’t do it then another girl would, being told I should just go home then if I wasn’t game enough. So many lies and so much entitlement to my time, my energy, my body. And I was so, so young. How was I supposed to know?

I’ve since been to (and continue to go to) therapy. I have a loving family who are my support network, a darling changeling baby, and a spouse beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve worked through what I could and made peace with the rest.

But -channel change!- this is part of why I feel it’s important for me to not give up on attempting to be a pro domme. There IS a better way to establish and feed relationships. There IS a healthier way to set boundaries. The more I learn about BDSM culture and the concept of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual), the more I wish the rest of our society operated off of these simple but powerful fundamentals. Not only do I honestly feel that I need this moonlight career change for myself, but that I also need it for my darling crotch-fruit.

I want to be able to show them (my crotch-fruit) that if I can demand respect, establish boundaries, hold people accountable, and be a bad ass while doing it- then they can too. I want to shape myself into the relationship role model I wish I had while I was growing up. Becoming a professional dominatrix is just another step in the right direction for me to achieve that ultimate goal.

I just recently found some new resources to continue my nerdy domme research. One that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed is http://www.dommesource.com, which is written by a professional dominatrix and has already been an invaluable resource. Empress Mika has published a glossary of fetishes, articles related to being a better domme or a better sub, and interviews with plenty of different dommes and subs to draw inspiration from. I’m sure this is a resource I will come back to again and again throughout my domination journey.

Secondly, is Master Arcane’s Crow Academy, found at https://crowacademy.com/. This gentleman is an established professional dom that travels with his professional sub and gives informational seminars for the lay person at multiple locations. They also perform BDSM shows together, and run several sites dedicated to informing the general public (as well as new dom(mes) and subs) about BDSM ettiquete and culture. I have enjoyed their six-part video introduction from a Las Vegas seminar, and their blog posts that dispel prevalent BDSM myths. One such myth (that even I heard multiple times in my vanilla life) is that “the sub is the one with all of the power” in a D/s (dom/sub) relationship.

Master Arcane’s style is more formal and he self-describes it as a “romantic” variant of BDSM. As I continue to figure out what style I would like to make mine for my own dominatrix career, I will continue to appreciate all the doms and dommes that publish their expertise as free resources for fiends like me that love to punish subs. You all are amazing and deserve all the monies.

I think that’s all that I have for now. I’ll continue to update as my journey progresses…or as I give up and run away to join the circus instead as a moth tamer. Whichever comes first.

This is the second post on this spankin’ new blog. I’m just getting this going, obviously, so if you happen to be entertained by my crazy rants, stay tuned for more. Get another cup of coffee or tea or cocoa. Read on to my newer posts, and subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Thank you for reading. ❤

Published by madommedelia

I'm just a bad ass woman trying to make it in the world of BDSM.

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