I have learned so much already since I have begun this pro dominatrix stint. There are days when I feel confidant, dominant, sexy, and in total control. I know exactly what I want to do and how I want to do it, and everything seems so clear and obvious. There are also the days where I feel ineffective as a domme, like I am an imposter, a failure, and a fool. I feel lost and that I have no direction, and I wonder if I would be happier if I just gave it all up.
After two weeks of this journey, the only thing I’m 100% certain of is that I’ll never stop having something new to learn. The culture of BDSM is too fascinating.
Recently, I was lucky enough to be invited into a Twitter group chat with thirty or so other dommes. An experienced submissive was conducting a Q & A session for those who were serious about bettering themselves and their style of domination. He gave out a lot of solid information based off of his personal experiences and what he had seen. He also discussed common misconceptions and offered to see if he was a match for any of the dommes looking for current subs.
Afterwards, all of the dommes then began opening up and posing questions to one another and offered words of encouragement. In the cut-throat Twitter culture of sex workers, it was a really sweet experience to behold. The ladies offered to follow one another and retweet each other’s material if the respective post was something they connected with, so that they could all be successful together and find the right subs.
Since then, many new dommes have reached out within that chat (or to me directly) to ask how they can get subs. I see so many ladies that get discouraged and quit. It upsets me to see them (the ones who are in it for the right reasons) go. But those who are only in it because they think they can earn a quick buck should be leaving. They are just one of the symptoms of the disease affecting the BDSM community- the disease of instant gratification. This disease allows many new dommes to mistakenly believe that there are subs out there who truly want to pay them money for doing absolutely nothing other than being absolutely horrible to men online. And when they’re not instantly successful, they throw a tantrum, or blame others for their lack of success.
But any D/s relationship can’t develop beyond more then a singular “one night stand” sort of session if neither side is willing to show both respect and vulnerability to each other. At least in my experience, that’s what trust can then be built on- the foundations of respect and vulnerability. And then when trust gets built, the sub can fully submit all control to the Domme, and the Domme can take all accountability for the sub. It becomes a truly beautiful feedback mechanism where power is traded back and forth in a healthy way.
My first sub to have approached me also happens to be the one I am the most invested in developing my style with at the moment. He also knows he is under consideration to be owned one day. (I’ll call him Jared, but you know who you are.)
Jared approached in the most endearing way as well, liking and retweeting just about everything on my mistress Twitter page. Then spent the next three hours fretting about it on his main feed. (Honestly, it’s a good thing I followed him back reflexively, or I would have never seen any of the cute fretting.) Jared then sent me tribute via my Cashapp, at $MadommeDelia. I was multitasking when I saw it. I was speechless and didn’t know what to do. I decided to “wait it out” until I could figure out what to do next. I was a mess.
Little did I know, he was tweeting, “Make me do it again”. I didn’t see that tweet until maybe an hour later when he tweeted more hesitantly, “Ask me to do it again?” I found myself smiling at the sincerity, the vulnerability, and the playfulness. It’s at that point that I finally jumped in and messaged him and reached out. With the help of another fellow domme (shoutout to @PantieDrip for your kind, patient, and practical advice while I panicked), I was able to stumble through a first conversation with him. (Thanks for not leaving after that train wreck, Jared).
I’m still working on learning how to establish a negotiation period with subs when they approach properly. (A negotiation period is usually when a domme and sub meet to discuss what they mutually want and are looking for, and also what their respective soft and hard limits are.) This sub and I just sort of jumped right into roleplay, which I blame on my lack of experience.
I had two other subs approach me via KIK (a social media app for video calls and text/photo messaging), begging me respectfully to consider them as potential pets. I gave both of them the run down of what I expected on my end (what I enjoyed, soft limits, hard limits, and the traffic light system for safety words, and the discussion of aftercare). I gave one (let’s name him Kyle) a set of three tasks to complete to be considered. He was begging so politely, after all. However, once those three tasks were sent his way, Kyle disappeared forever.
The second one, let’s name him Shane, agreed to all of our negotiations and gave me a list of what he enjoyed. I asked him if he was ready to start. He said yes, and then very promptly began attempting to “top from the bottom” so to speak. Shane gave me “suggestions” of what he thought I should do and how that would turn him on “so much”. He claimed he liked to be degraded, verbally humiliated, and exposed. When I would verbally humiliate Shane in a text-based play session, he would argue back. When I offered to expose him on my Twitter, he initially seemed really excited and readily agreed.
I figured it would be harmless fun, so why not?
Suddenly Shane began drafting up new posts for me to put on my Twitter and was messaging them to me constantly. “Please, Madomme Delia, if you would only do XYZ for your boy then I will worship you forever” with a bunch of kissy-face emojis and videos of him kneeling to his phone camera and blowing kisses at me. We were more than several hours apart geographically, and yet somehow Shane still managed to be blowing up my phone on a fairly constant basis. It was always pleas and pictures of him in panties and requests for me to post those pictures publicly and all the Twitter posts he had drafted for me to post in my absence. At first I kept acquiescing because, like the fool I am, I thought Shane seemed to really enjoy it. What harm is there in indulging your sub from time to time, right?
I began to realize I was literally getting nothing out of our relationship. Shane was becoming so needy, so greedy of my time, and so bossy in his attempts to “top from the bottom” that I began to be exhausted by his messages instead of excited.
I became a domme in the first place to stop pleasing others before pleasing myself, and here I was, falling into that same trap. Shane was taking away from the attention I was giving to my other first sub, Jared, and even then- nothing I seemed to do was enough for Shane.
I was thinking about how I would put an end to Shane’s shitty behavior and set him straight with a whopping dose of reality. I was ruminating on how I would reaffirm that I was the one with the control in our relationship, not him- when an unexpected development occurred.
I had a family emergency where I had to contemplate calling in a 5150 on someone extremely dear to me. I was very suddenly devastated after an already very long day at my very demanding vanilla job.
I came home and cried. My spouse held me.
I fed my family.
I walked my dog.
I got ready to try to face another day of getting up extremely early with no resolution in sight for my family emergency.
I set my alarm.
I went to plug in my phone.
And then I see all the missed messages from Shane talking about how he wanted more polls on his cock size and how he had drafted up additional Twitter posts for me and how he was going to single-handedly “help me grow my social media”.
And I got angry.
I counted to 10, and then wrote Shane a detailed message regarding how I had a family emergency that day, and that I had to take a step back and that I would not be able to come back to continue sessions with him anymore. I thanked him for his time and apologized for having to cut things short.
Shane didn’t even skip a beat before launching back into all the plans he had for me as his domme and how I should reconsider my decision. I turned off the notifications for his messages on KIK.
This only appeared to make him more desperate. He began sending me videos of him in a bathrobe begging me to “please watch my madam, I promise this is very special, very private, just for you”.
Now I consider myself a fairly open person that does not kink shame, so the kneeling and the pleading and the bathrobe videos weren’t what truly bothered me. But his complete lack of ability to see me as an actual human being, his complete disregard for how I might be feeling, or his complete lack of respect over the fact that I just set some boundaries down to protect myself disgusted and angered me. I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt like I was a fool that allowed this person to treat me like a fetish dispenser, like someone less-than. I sat there with these feeling for a bit and thought again about why I even started this journey.
I thought about how tired I was at that exact second. I thought about throwing away my phone. I thought about giving up.
Instead, I blocked his stupid ass and moved on.
On the other hand, when I had messaged Jared after getting the bad news directly after work, I let him know I had a rough day. I then asked him a random question about what he had wanted to be when he was a child, asking him to indulge me. I was looking for something, anything to cheer me up or at least distract me at that point. He immediately said, “I’m sorry you had a rough day”, sent money to my cashapp saying “for it’s yours anyways”, and told me about wanting to be a bus driver and a baseball pitcher.
These silly little things warmed me in unexpected ways. These are the little things other people might scoff or laugh or roll their eyes at, but it meant the world to me at that point in time.
So. I wanted you to know that, Jared. That kindness you showed me went a long way. I won’t forget it later when you’re on your knees and I’m dominating you (again).
Anyways. Very long story made short- I haven’t given up yet. Amazingly, I’m still here. And I’m still in for the long run, despite whatever bends in the road may come.
If you happen to be entertained by my random musings, stay tuned for more. Get another cup of coffee or tea or cocoa. Read on to my newer posts, and subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Thank you for reading.